You forgot your top!

I have a simple question for you: why is it that Jennifer Aniston cannot keep a man interested?

Say what you like about her shitty nose job, or changing her name from Anistonopopopopolous, or the fact that her appearance in any film will doom it’s commercial success, but there is something amiss here.

It seems every week there is a new magazine cover expose on her disastrous personal life, usually involving the words ‘lonely’ or ‘desperate’ or ‘baby’.

I'm so ronery.

This woman has had relationships with some pretty famous motherfuckers.. Vince Vaughn (when he was fat), funny manboy Paul Rudd, serial pimps John Mayer and Adam Duritz, tough guy Gerard Butler, Tate Donovan (who?), the list goes on.
She was married to Brad Pitt for fuck’s sake! Everyone loves Brad Pitt, don’t they?!
Fuck yeah!!

For whatever reason she can’t keep one.
Is she a super annoying bitch?
Does she bite her toenails?
Does she fart loudly?
I have as sneaking suspicion it has something to do with her vagina.
Here is a representation of what I think it looks like..

Buyer Beware

She lures these unsuspecting Lotharios in with her notoriety and promises of delectable intercourse, and then SNAP! She clamps their dick!

I’m pretty sure I’m on the money here, so if Jennifer Aniston comes onto you, punch her in the snatch and run for your life.

A portrait of stunning beauty

Kate Hudson is a fucking genius.
Somehow she manages to make spectacularly shit films, get paid for them, and also trick famous men into dipping their penis into her herpes pond.
I would not hesitate in fucking her mother before even letting Kate perform my nightly ball/anus shave.

It seems that every time I take a shit and proceed to wipe my silky smooth bottom with the latest copy of tabloid magazine, I see this cunt macking on some other douche.

Kate's vagina gave this guy cancer and he started riding bikes to get away from her.

Her waters are so badly contaminated their effect even made Owen Wilson try to kill himself (he failed because his nose is so big).

And just today, I was searching Google for photos of decaying roadkill to masturbate to, when I was tricked into clicking some gossip link only to discover that this walking disease is now impaling herself on Muse singer Matt Bellamy. This of course explains why they are now so terribly shit.

Reminds me of a young Errol Flynn

Before you go to sleep tonight, pray to whatever space being/fake religious figurehead you believe in that you do not have to have sex with Kate Hudson.

Well, other than having a priest perform analingus on me when I was 7, the only real good Jesus has done for me is provide some fantastic fucking holidays…. So cheers to the stud, and with a bit of luck at least someone throat-fucks a nun this weekend..

What do you think of when you hear the name ‘Jessica Simpson’?
Airhead? Boobs? Slut? Artist? Actress? Daddy’s Girl? Designer? Cunt? Proactiv?
Most of those responses are acceptable, with a couple of exceptions.

Yes, I know it is hip and cliché to make fun of her, but WE ARE HIP AND CLICHED YOU STUPID CUNT.

What I find interesting is that from very early on in her father’s quest to pimp her out for cash, he pushed her as some wholesome southern belle, even when the formula didn’t work and her contemporaries became superstars by slutting it up (Britney, Christina etc).

Then, years after her failed sham marriage, she starts to hit the town and starts fucking anything that moves (Jude Law, Adam Levine, Bam Margera, Dane Cook, Tony Romo and recently, chick magnet Billy Corgan).

It was a comment from her most famous lover John Mayer that caught my eye recently:

“That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm…

There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.”

Now this is a world class pants-man we are talking about here.
A dude who has bedded a considerable number of famous chicks, let alone groupies and faceless wannabes.
I’d say that’s a pretty ringing endorsement of her abilities, wouldn’t you?

For all her failures in life – pop singer, country singer, actress, pimple cream shill – my tolerance level for her has increased, if ever so slightly.

Any girl that likes to fuck -and is good at it – is OK by me.

Nice shirt.

With any luck, she’ll give up on all her other failed careers and just get into porn.
I’d buy it download it.

Unfortunately, it seems that won’t happen just yet..

Here is her brand new song, written-produced-god-knows-what by Billy Corgan:

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Most things in this world are photoshopped…

Let’s hope these are for real, and the sex tape is to follow…

ps – I’ll bet she gives a mean blowjob these days, after all those years of practice on that Good Charlotte tosser… after all, they were together for fucking years and claimed to be waiting until marriage to shag… pfffft!